11:23 a.m. - 2005-12-12
Depression...as always...
I suffer from chronic depression. Most people don't understand why I can't be happy. Most people wonder why I am always so down on life.
Hey, I just happen to think that my life is great. I have it made in the shade and quite grateful to the gods for my life.
Yet....
I am depressed, will always be depressed, and have been treated for depression by therapy and/or drugs....and stayed depressed anyway. It's a fact of my wonderful life that I am depressed and will stay that way. That is just the way it is.
Yes, I can still enjoy those few moments in life that come my way and make me smile and be happy, but they are only moments. I have come to the realization that I will be depressed no matter what and yet can still enjoy my life. So there, you people who get on my case for not being happy. Take that...and this will not be discussed again. At least for awhile anyway.
For those who don't understand depression the following is the best description that I have found on what it feels like to be depressed. It is not my own, but written by one of my favorite writers on the blog scene.
"The worst thing about feeling like this is that you feel as if you're always going to feel like this, that you have always felt like this, and that there is no solution, no way up and out, and no other way to feel that is not a farce or an act or a show.
It probably seems so fucking melodramatic and eye-roll-worthy to the observer, but it feels so black and so thick and so heavy that it's hard to move, hard to think, hard to open your eyes.
I am walking around like a robot, watching myself as if from a distance and thinking that I am damn good at this, I am a damn good actor and I really am holding it together pretty well when you consider the fact that I wish I didn't ever have to wake up again."
Thanks Jen for the perfect description! I could not have said it better.
