11:20 a.m. - 2006-02-10
wanna know?
You wanna know what I want to do more than anything else? Well, besides have sex? Write!
I want to write novels. I want to write and write and write and write and write and write and write, etc. I want to go into any bookstore and see my book on the shelves. Why do I want this? I don’t know why. I just do.
The writing part is for me. Am I any good at it? I have no idea. I think that if I were to really think about it objectively, if anyone could be objective about themselves (theirselves?), then I would have to say that I am a fair writer. Not great, but not bad either.
I haven’t been writing very much lately, except for blog entries like this one. And one can tell how much I am writing in this from the entries’ dates. I am not even writing much on these things. Sad really!
I am a lousy self motivator and I have no will power. What I need is the determination to make myself sit in front of my puter and write. Even if it’s crap at least I would be writing. Who says it has to be sale worthy at first? Who says it has to be the great American novel? Why can’t it just be writing? Your everyday 1000 words (Stephen King advises writing this much a day in his book ‘On Writing,’ which I highly recommend) writing?
On another note, I am in a mood of some sort. Not sure which one of the many moods I go through, but it is starting to piss me off. I need to keep busy. That is all there is to it. Stay busy! Like maybe writing something? That would keep me busy, sort of, I think. Gad, I drive myself crazy. I think that I think too much, if that is at all possible. Can you think about thinking?
I have a good life. Not enough money or sex, but then is there ever enough money or sex? Not to my way of thinking, but other than that I have it pretty good.
I am really worried about the refinancing I am going to need to do something soon though. It is getting close to the April 6 deadline when my rate goes variable. Then only the gods will know what my payment will be like. *sigh*
I think (there I go again) that I am depressed and pissed off. Actually, depression in anger turned inwards. I had pretty good teachers (my parents) who taught me all I need to know about depression. And dependency and passive aggression and addiction and a host of other things that I can’t recall right now.
I want to write and maybe if I can get my fat ass to stay in the chair long enough I can train myself to stay at the writing thing. I need to get an egg timer for my meditation (another thing I haven’t even started yet, yet might be good for me) and maybe I can use that to help me train myself to write. I will have to ponder this, or THINK about it.
*echoing maniacal laughter*
